Understanding and managing your child’s behaviour
How your child behaves is usually their way of telling you how they are feeling. If you are finding your child’s behaviour difficult to cope with, there are some things you can do.
Understanding the feelings and needs behind their behaviour can help you to support your child. You can then guide their behaviour into a more positive direction over time.
When behaviour is challenging
Most parents and carers find their child’s behaviour challenging at times.
You might struggle with your child’s behaviour if they:
- argue or are rude to you and others
- ignore instructions or refuse to do as you ask
- shut down or won’t engage with you
- challenge rules and boundaries
- behave differently at home and school
These behaviours can feel overwhelming, but they are common.
If your child is violent, it’s important to stay safe and get advice on child violence.
What your child’s behaviour means
The way your child behaves is often their way of telling you how they are feeling. Your child’s behaviour could be their way of telling you they are worried about something.
Read our advice on:
- Anxiety and anxious feelings in children and teenagers
- How to help your child cope with change at home or school
- How to help your child share their worries with you
Sometimes children behave differently because their brain processes things in a different way. If your child is autistic or has ADHD, they might behave in ways you don’t expect. Learn more about supporting neurodiverse children.
Age-appropriate behaviours
The behaviours you see in your child will change as they grow. Though it can be worrying when your child’s behaviour changes, this is a normal part of child development.
0 to 5 year olds are learning about their feelings and the world around them.
We have advice to help you if your child:
- expresses big feelings through tantrums and meltdowns
- refuses to do as you ask or says no a lot
Sometimes young children repeat actions like throwing things, breaking things and making a mess. Though this can be frustrating, it is their way of learning patterns like movement, positioning, and transformation. These patterns are called schemas.
You can set up play activities that allow your child to explore these patterns. You can throw a soft ball or try sensory play.
As children grow and start school, they face new challenges. New routines, friendships, and expectations can feel overwhelming.
Your child’s behaviour might change because they:
- find school overwhelming or tiring
- find the work difficult
- are anxious about schoolwork or friendships
- struggle with changes at home and school
As your child becomes a teenager, their behaviour is likely to change. This is because of the changes happening in their brain and body as well as their developing social life.
Learn more about teenage and pre-teen behaviour.
Deal with behaviour in the moment
When you are dealing with challenging moments, it can help to keep these tips in mind. You know your child best, so you might want to adapt this for their age or how they’ve reacted in the past.
Take a breath before responding. If you need a moment, step away briefly (if your child is safe). This can help prevent behaviour escalating and show them how you stay calm in moments of stress.
Show your child that you’re present and listening. Use a calm tone and open body language. With a young child, you might get down on their level.
If they feel connected to you, they are more likely to respond to what you say to them.
Acknowledge and name the feelings behind their behaviour. You could say something like, “I can see you’re frustrated because you want to keep playing your game.”
Be clear that their feelings aren’t wrong, but some behaviours aren’t acceptable. For example, if they say something rude, you might tell them, “It’s OK to feel angry, but it’s not OK to use hurtful words.”
Try not to say too much. If your child is feeling emotional, they might not respond well to too many instructions or demands. Give one short instruction at a time.
It can help to say their name before telling them what you want or need from them.
It might help them to feel like they have some control if you offer limited choices. You could ask, “would you like to ride in the pushchair or walk and hold my hand?”
Pause and give them time to process. Don’t repeat instructions over and over.
Wait until they are calm before trying to reason with them. You don’t need to try and win an argument. You can read our advice on how to stay calm with your child.
In the moment, if they do something that is positive, acknowledge it. This helps reinforce the behaviours you want to see, instead of focusing on the negatives. You could say something like, “Thank you for turning off the tablet” and ignore the fact they may still be shouting and protesting.
Use consequences and explanations
A consequence is something that happens because of a behaviour. There are:
- natural consequences – if your child won’t put their coat on, they might feel cold
- logical consequences – if your child draws on the wall, they need to help clean it
When your child behaves in a way that is challenging, warn them of natural or logical consequence of that behaviour. If the behaviour continues, follow through on any consequences you have set as soon as possible. You will probably need to wait until they are calm.
Natural consequences:
- help your child to learn cause and effect
- relate to what they have done
- show them why you have asked them to do something
If you set a logical consequence, it should:
- be directly related to the behaviour
- be reasonable and respectful, not a punishment
- teach cause and effect
- encourage them to make better choices next time
Whether it is a natural or a logical consequence, always explain to your child why that is the consequence.
Here are some examples of how you might use consequences with children of different ages.
If your young child spills a cup of water on purpose, wipe up the spill together. Tell them “spills must be wiped up”. You can then show and tell them where it is OK to play with water, like in the bath or a water play station.
If your child leaves their toys out after playtime, show them how to put them away. Explain, “toys need to go back where they belong so they’re ready for next time.”
If your child breaks their sibling’s toy, a consequence could be that they help to mend or replace it. They might accompany you to the shops to help find a replacement.
If your child needs to do their homework, explain that the homework must be completed before they can have screen time. You might offer them a choice, like “do you want to finish your homework now or after dinner?” If your child needs support, make sure there is someone available to help with the homework.
If your older child is rude to you, remind them that conversations need to be respectful. Allow them time to calm down and let them know that you will continue the discussion when they are ready to speak calmly. You might say that a privilege, like going out with friends or playing a computer game will need to wait until after the conversation has been resolved.
If your child stays out later than the time you agreed, you might say that next time they need to be back earlier. Explain that when they have shown you that they will be back when they say they will, then you can agree a new, later time.
How you respond
It’s not easy being a parent or carer. Every child will behave in a way that challenges you at some point, and you won’t always know what to do. If you feel like you’re going to lose your temper, step away from the situation and calm down before responding.
Recognise what you’re doing well and ask for support when you need it.
Lead by example
Children learn by copying, so show them the type of behaviour you want to see in the way you act. Try to stay calm in difficult situations. If your child sees or hears you shouting when you’re angry, they’ll learn to do the same.
For young children, you can practice how to behave in different situations with role play and small world play.
With older children, you can talk to them when they are calm about their choices. When things have calmed down after a tense conversation, it can help to reflect together. Talk about what went well, what went badly and what you have learned from it.
Teach and reward positive behaviour
Using rewards is a good way to celebrate the behaviour you want to see. Children of all ages generally respond well to praise and reward.
When your child is behaving in a difficult way, use positive language to guide them away from it. This way, you’re still engaging with your child but not focusing on the negative behaviour. When the behaviour stops, recognise this. Praise the actions you want to see.
Rewards can take many forms. They can be as simple as praising your child and recognising something that they have done.
You can adapt the level of reward to the situation. Young children often like stickers. These can be an instant reward or part of a reward chart system.
Having a list, board or jar with some rewards that your child likes can be useful. Think about things your child loves to do. This could be an extra story at bedtime, a trip to the park, or watching a favourite programme or film together. These are also great ways to get time together. As your child gets older, you can change the rewards as their needs and interests change.
You can also try making a family kindness chart.
A reward is not the same as a bribe.
A reward is a recognition of a behaviour you are happy with or proud of.
A bribe is when you offer something to encourage a child to do something.
For example, if your child gets into their pushchair when you ask, you could reward them – with a sticker or praise. They relate the reward to them getting into their pushchair when asked. This will be a positive association.
If you offer them a sticker or treat to get into the pushchair, this is a bribe. The child may then expect this again the next time and this can create a pattern.
Help with your child’s behaviour
When you find your child’s behaviour challenging or out of control, it can have a big impact on you. You can get support if you’re affected by your child’s behaviour.
If you are worried about your child’s behaviour, you can speak to:
- your child’s school or childcare
- your health visitor, if your child is under 5
- your GP, if you think there might be an underlying health or developmental need
- your local children’s centre or family hub
- your local early help service
You can also look for parenting courses in your local area or online. If your child is under 5, you can sign up to our free Building Blocks to Parenting course.
This advice was written by our experienced Parent Talk coaches. Parent Talk is a free online service for parents and carers, provided by the charity Action for Children. For more advice, message our parenting coaches with our online chat.
