Co-parenting with a controlling ex-partner

Co-parenting with an ex-partner can be challenging. Sometimes you might have disagreements, especially if there are unresolved issues from the breakup. If you’re worried your ex-partner or co-parent is trying to control you, it’s important to understand what you can do and where to go for help.

If you think someone is watching what websites you look at, Stop Domestic Abuse has advice on how to hide your browsing history.

Either or both parents can show controlling behaviour. The way they behave might be different depending on whether your child lives with you or them most of the time.

A parent who has the child most of the time might:

• not let you have contact with your child, or say you can only have contact if you do something they ask
• move away with your child, making child contact arrangements more difficult
• inconvenience you by failing to collect your child from you at the arranged time
• say bad things about you to your child and try to put them off spending time with you
• regularly call or text your child when they are with you

A parent who doesn’t live with the child might:

• refuse to care for your child when they know you have important plans
• not arrive at agreed time for contact or be late returning your child to you
• say you can’t leave your child with anybody else, so that you only rely on them for childcare
• use your child to pass on messages to you or say bad things about you to them
• have different rules for the child when in their care which can make things difficult for you or make them seem more ‘fun’, like staying up late or having lots of sugar
• make threats to take you to court for custody or tell other people that your child isn’t safe with you

If it feels like your child’s other parent is behaving in this way deliberately to have power over you, this could be coercive control. Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse and people of any gender can be abusive. If they were abusive when you were in a relationship they might have carried on this behaviour, or they might have started after you separated.

It’s not always easy to spot the signs of coercive control. A person may try to tell you how to behave or what to think or take away your independence. They might use your money or time for their own benefit rather than yours. You may feel scared, worried, humiliated or isolated. The behaviour can also sometimes include assault.

Get support if you think you are being abused

If you feel like your child’s other parent is trying to control you, the best thing you can do is set clear boundaries. You could:

• limit communication to only what is needed to make child arrangements
• make contact through a co-parenting app like Our Family Wizard or 2 Houses
• have someone else there during handovers, you can ask a friend or family member or arrange handovers at school or nursery pickup
• put your arrangement in writing – the Cafcass website helps you to write a parenting plan online or download a template
• arrange supervised contact or handovers at a child contact centre

If your child’s other parent won’t stick to the arrangements and boundaries you’ve agreed, there are steps you can take. Depending on your situation, you might need to:

• keep or record abusive texts, calls or threats, and report them to the police by calling 101
• try to reach an agreement through family mediation
• contact a local solicitor or legal adviser or ask child law advice for help
• get help paying for legal advice with legal aid
• enforce your child contact arrangements by applying for court order
• get help with court fees

Children can pick up on tension between adults. Even if they don’t show it, conflict between parents can affect them. Try to limit the impact any disagreements might have on your child. Keep handovers short and don’t engage in any conversations that may lead to conflict with the other parent. Be polite and friendly for your child’s sake.

Try not to let your child see that you are angry or irritated by their other parent’s  behaviour. Do allow them to talk about how they are feeling, they might feel disappointed if they had been looking forward to seeing their other parent and plans change.

If you think the other parent might be putting your child at risk, read our advice on what to do if you’re worried your child isn’t safe with their other parent. 

If someone is trying to control you, it may affect your self-worth or your independence. If you’re struggling to cope, you can contact:

• your GP
• a local domestic abuse service
• a national domestic abuse helpline 

You can also read our advice if you’re:

• struggling to cope
• feel you have parental burnout
• worried about not seeing your child 

You can also use our web chat or WhatsApp service to talk to one of our parenting coaches.