How can I ask my partner to help more at home?

When you feel like your partner isn’t doing their fair share at home, it can have a huge effect on your family life.

You might be feeling frustrated, angry or exhausted. This can be bad for your overall wellbeing, and can affect your children and partner too. It is important to try and address the situation as quickly as possible.

It’s often helpful to work out exactly what the issue is. Ask yourself:

• Is there a particular task that you would really like some help with that you feel your partner could do?
• Is there a reason that they aren’t able to help more?
• Does it feel like your partner has more down time than you and you have less or no time for yourself?

Think about what they are already doing so you can start with the positives before looking at the areas you would like to change.

Talking to your partner about how you feel is a good start to resolving the issue.  Look at questions like:

• How confident does your partner feel about helping with the children and jobs in the house?
• Are there any barriers that are stopping them from doing more?
• Does your partner know how you feel? Perhaps you have different ideas of what you should both be doing.

To express how you feel without getting angry or upset, try some of these tips:

• Choose a time when neither of you will be interrupted or distracted. Choosing a time in advance gives you time to think about what you’re going to say, and how.
• Start by explaining exactly what you think the problem is and how it makes you feel.
• Let your partner talk about how they feel and what they think about the situation. Try to listen without interrupting and understand their point of view.
• Try to stay calm. Take some deep breaths if you feel yourself getting upset. Ask your partner for a 5 minute break if you feel like you need some time out.

When you’re both ready, make a plan together – be as clear as you can about exactly what you need and give your partner the time to do the same.  Be realistic about your expectations of each other. If your children are older you could also look at making a whole family plan together so everyone is clear about what they are doing.

If you still need support, you could consider a counselling service like Relate.

You can also speak to one of our parent coaches on a 1:1 Live Chat.