My child doesn’t play well with others

It’s natural for young children to have some difficulties when playing with others. They may need some time to learn how to balance their own needs with those of other people.

You can help them understand the importance of friendships and treating others well.

Your child may be struggling to express an emotion. Take time to understand what could be behind their behaviour. Knowing this can help you see what support they need.

Give your child the tools to help them express what it is they need and feel more calm. You can:

• Read our tips on helping your child deal with their emotions.
• Build their emotional literacy – this will help them understand their own and others’ feelings.
• Try calming techniques to help them manage difficult feelings. This might be a soothing box or breathing activity, for example.

Help create moments for your child to build their social skills and make friends. You can also use imaginary or small-world play to help them build understanding. If you’re using toys, try questions like:

• “Which animals are friends?”
• “How is tiger a good friend to elephant?”
• “How could lion say sorry to crocodile?”

This helps your child think about what would be an appropriate response.

Show your child the type of behaviour you’d like to see through your own actions. Let them see you behaving in a positive way with others.

When you notice them being a good friend, praise them for it. Point out why it’s important. You could say something like, “Look how happy you made your friend when you were kind.” You can also read our advice on teaching your child to share or dealing with hitting or biting.

We expect children to say sorry. But if your child feels guilt, sadness or shame they may refuse to apologise. Try not to force them – instead, show them what a good apology looks like.

Say something like “I know it can be hard to find the right words to say sorry. Shall I try for you?”  When they nod or agree, give them an example of a good apology, and next time they may feel more confident.

If you notice your child isn’t playing well with others, resist the urge to correct them straight away. Children will often tell each other and will be able to fix the situation themselves. If the issue continues, help your child understand how their actions are making others feel. Ask gentle questions like “How do you think they felt when you took the ball? What could you do now?”

Explore stories about friendship and kindness with your child. Use them as starting points for discussions about how to be a good friend.

• I Like to Be Kind and Be Kind. Two books about what it means to be kind to others.
• The Bad-Tempered Ladybird. Looks at the importance of friendship and the happiness it brings.
• Alone. A book about the solar system and friendships.
• A Friend for Henry. A story about friendship from the perspective of an autistic boy.
• The Friend Ship. A hedgehog goes on a journey to find other animal friends.
• The Girls and The Boys. About the ups and downs of friendship through a lifetime.
• Be a Friend. Explores connection in the context of autism and language barriers.
• Meesha Makes Friends. A little girl who struggles to make friends discovers a talent she thinks might help.
• All about Friends. Looks at making friends and how to be a good friend. Comes with notes to support parents with talking to children.

If you have concerns about your child’s social development, speak to their nursery or school. Ask for their thoughts on your child’s behaviour. They may put some support in place to help with these skills.

You can also contact you GP to talk through any worries you have. Or find out more about early social development stages on the NCT website.

Want more support? For advice on your specific issue, speak to one of our parenting coaches.