How to talk to your partner or ex-partner about money

When you share your life with someone and start a family, your finances become linked. Even if the partnership ends, you still share financial responsibility for your children.

There is no right way to manage your finances as a couple or co-parents and the way you approach your finances might change as your circumstances change It is important, however, that you both feel comfortable with your financial arrangement and can talk to each other about it.

When you share finances with someone, you might consider:

• Responsibility – do you feel comfortable with one of you managing the finances or do you share equal responsibility?
• Accounts – do you want to combine all your money into a joint account, keep separate accounts or a combination of both?
• Your attitude to saving and spending – if you have different ideas about how money should be spent, you’ll need to find a compromise.
• How you approach credit – how much you can borrow and whose name any credit agreement is in, including your mortgage agreement.
• How much you each contribute financially – be prepared for this to change if your circumstances change such as any time out of work, including parental leave.
• What support you are entitled to – depending on your circumstances, you or your children may be entitled to benefits. You could use a benefits calculator to find out what you’re entitled to.
• Contingency plans – what you will do if your circumstances change and how you will cope under financial pressure?

• When – plan ahead to talk about money. You might want to do it regularly, don’t do it under pressure or when time is limited.
• Where – if possible, try not to have the conversation in front of your children. It is better if you can talk without distractions and children might pick up on any tension. Consider talking after the children are in bed or when they are out on a playdate.
• What – go into the conversation with a clear idea of what you want to talk about. You could do some research before so that you can come to the conversation with ideas about things like the right bank account for you.
• Who – if you think the conversation could be difficult, you could ask somebody else to be there to mediate. If you need professional advice about your finances, you could visit the financial adviser in your bank, or if you use a digital bank like Starling, use their online support.

If you’re co-parenting, you still share financial responsibility for your children. Your financial responsibility will depend on your situation. Find out about child maintenance and how to arrange payments.

When you are struggling with money, it can be harder to talk about. If you think the conversation could become difficult, follow this advice to try to avoid an argument.

If you have a problem with money or think your partner does, for example if you think they are hiding debt or gambling – Money Helper has advice on where to get help.

If your partner is controlling your money, or you feel they are using money to control you, they might be financially abusing you. Financial abuse is a type of coercive control, which can include limiting your access to money for essentials or stopping you from earning your own money. Financial control can be the first sign of abuse or part of a wider pattern of abusive behaviour. If you are worried you might be being abused, find out where you can get support for domestic abuse.

If you create a home environment where adults are comfortable talking about money, it will make it easier for your children to understand and become financially stable adults. Find out how to talk to children about money.

If you’re struggling with money, these services can offer support.

Citizens Advice offers advice on money and debt
Turn2us for help with the cost of living

If you are worried about money, you can read our advice on coping with money worries. If you need someone to talk to and are finding it hard to talk to your partner you can speak to one of our parenting coaches.