How to help your child if they are self-harming

If you think your child is self-harming or hurting themselves, it’s important to get support for your child and your family.

Young people may use self-harm as a way to cope with difficult emotions that they don’t know how to express. As a parent or carer, there are things you can do to help them work through their feelings and find other ways to cope.

If your child is in danger of immediate harm or their life may be at risk, call 999 or visit A&E.

Young Minds has a list of signs your child might be self-harming.

Create a non-judgmental space for your child

Make sure your child knows you’re there for them, and they can talk to you about anything. If your child is willing to talk, make time to listen to them. Try to avoid asking too many questions.

Try to understand what they’re going through and why they might want to self-harm. Self-harm may be a distraction from emotions or anxious thoughts. It might also be a way of your child giving you a sign that they’re struggling with their mental health and need support.

If your child doesn’t want to talk, you can still create a safe environment for them. You could:

  • make sure they know you are not judging them
  • be careful not to dismiss what they’re feeling
  • talk about and name your own emotions, to give them an example to follow

Help them stay safe

If your child is using self-harm as a coping strategy, they are unlikely to stop straight away. It’s a good idea to talk to them about how to stay safe from infection. This includes washing the wound and any items used and having clean bandages at home.

Put sharp or harmful objects away. But be aware that your child may look for other items if they feel a strong urge to hurt themselves.

Think about making a safety plan

If your child feels OK speaking about their feelings, ask a professional to help you create a safety plan. This is a way for your child to let you know how they want you to help when they feel an urge to self-harm. You or your child can contact Hopeline 247 for help making a safety plan.

Staying Safe has information on how to make a safety plan. You can make a plan for either self-harm or suicidal thoughts. The Staying Safe template prompts your child to think about:

  • ways to help them get through difficult moments
  • making their situation safer
  • things to lift of calm their mood
  • how to distract them when feeling the urge to self-harm
  • people who can support them
  • who they can talk to if thinking about self-harm
  • emergency professional support

It’s also a good chance to talk about getting medical help.

Help your child cope

Help your child find ways to cope when they think about self-harming. You might want to:

You or your child can also try making a ‘soothe box’. The box should contain items that can help when your child feels the need to self-harm. This could be photos, letters from loved ones or favourite snacks. You could also include a list of songs or videos to watch, fidget toys, or a calming technique.

If your child won’t accept help

If your child won’t accept help easily, you may still be able to find ways to support them. Try:

  • researching coping strategies to share with them if they are open to listening at any point
  • keeping your language and actions supportive throughout
  • providing distraction by spending quality time together and doing things that make them happy

If you can, find ways to strengthen your relationship so that they know they can ask for help when they’re ready. Your child may need some time before they are ready to seek support.

Get professional support for you and your child

Speak to a person you trust or someone independent about what’s happening. Encourage your child to talk to someone too. You can get support by:

You can also get advice on where you may be able to get support for your child from NHS 111 online.

If your child is under 19, they can contact Childline by phone or online chat. Call 0800 1111 between 9am and 3:30am or chat to a counsellor online 9am and 10:30pm.

You can read more about self-harm and mental health from the charity Mind.

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This advice was written by our experienced Parent Talk coaches. Parent Talk is a free online service for parents and carers, provided by the charity Action for Children. For more advice, message our parenting coaches with our online chat.

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