It can be hard to know what to do if your toddler or child keeps refusing to do as you ask. They might be going through a phase of saying no all the time. This can feel frustrating or upsetting, especially when you’re busy or tired.
Understanding why it’s happening and some ways to communicate with your child can help.
Saying no is a natural part of every child’s development. It can be a way for them to:
Their refusal to do something can sometimes be a way of them expressing feelings they don’t yet have the words for. This could be frustration or a wish to continue play, for example.
If your toddler or child says no a lot, think about if there are common situations that trigger that response. This helps to plan some ideas for different ways to approach these tasks.
Give your child time to process instructions. They may also need a warning if an activity is going to change or end. Depending on the situation, it can help to explain why you are doing something and allow them to let you know they’ve understood.
Toddlers and children may be more willing to do something if you show them the behaviour you want to see rather than giving an order. They are likely to want to copy you.
This can work well for tasks like taking off your coat and shoes when you get home. Describing the activity as something you’re doing together can help. You could say something like, “Now we’re indoors we can take off our coats and shoes.”
If your child feels like they have some control they might be more likely to complete the action. Try giving them choices when you can. Limit the choice to two or three things so that it’s not overwhelming.
Depending on your child’s age and temperament, think about different ways to offer control. If you want your child to drink some water, you could:
Don’t give a lot of attention to the ‘no’. Re-direct the conversation. Sometimes it helps to change the reason you’re asking for something. If you want them to put their coat on, you could explain it’s so you can go out to look for dogs, birds and rocks.
You could also try making it fun. Sing songs or make a joke out of the task. Make up a tooth brushing song. Hop like a bunny to the bathroom. Pretend to put their coat on your own arm, act surprised when it doesn’t fit and ask them to show you how to do it.
It can help to think about how you are talking to your child. Consider:
Your child may need reminders to do what you ask. Toddlers in particular have short attention spans and are easily distracted. You can also think about times when you could tell your child what they can do rather than what they can’t do. Try giving them an alternative activity, for example.
Sometimes it will feel hard to keep calm. If you think you’re about to lose your temper, it’s OK to step away for a moment, as long as everyone is safe. Then come back to the conversion and try a different tactic.
When you can stay calm, this will allow you to think more clearly about how to handle the situation.
If your child is upset, they will find it harder to listen. If they’re young, you can try distracting them for a moment to ease the tension and reset the conversation. You can also help them put words to their feelings. You can say something like, “It sounds like you might be feeling hungry or sad.” Over time, this should allow them to recognise the cause of their emotions and how to manage them.
With older children it’s OK to say something like “Neither of us are happy, let’s calm down then try to resolve this.” This helps to teach your child how to manage difficult emotions and conversations.
It’s useful to know what you’ll do if your child keeps saying no or ignoring you.
When it feels appropriate, you may need to take action to show your child that it’s important that they do as you ask. Only do this after you have clearly told your child what you want them to do using encouraging language.
It’s good to have a clear process when you need it:
If at any point they do as you ask, praise them and tell them that what they’ve done has made you happy.
Sometimes you will be asking your child to do something for safety reasons. Your child won’t always understand why one thing is more important than the other. Over time, try to build in preparation time where you explain what you’re about to do before you do it. For example, tell them you are going to hold their hand to cross the road to keep them safe from traffic.
Clear communication is also important if your child is autistic. It may help to:
Prepare them for any changes in situation or activity. Use calming strategies that you know work for them. Over time as you try different strategies you might find what works for one of your children will be different to what works for another.
Read about how to support your child if they have PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) traits.
This advice was written by our experienced Parent Talk coaches. Parent Talk is a free online service for parents and carers, provided by the charity Action for Children. For more advice, message our parenting coaches with our online chat.
