How to stay calm with your child

It can sometimes be difficult to manage your emotions when your child is behaving in a way you don’t want them to. They might be doing something unsafe, causing problems for others, or not listening. These situations can range from a toddler drawing on the walls to a young adult engaging in risky behaviour. Staying calm helps you resolve things more easily and shows your child how to do this too.

Sometimes in the moment when you feel frustrated with your child, you might feel like you want to smack or physically punish them.

Physical punishment is illegal in Scotland and Wales and there are laws on smacking children in England and Northern Ireland.

Smacking can make a child feel fear, sadness, confusion or anger. They may also be hurt. Using this form of discipline can make a child think that violence is an appropriate response to conflict and strong feelings.

Physical punishment is sometimes associated with poorer outcomes for children. This can include poor mental health, antisocial behaviour, increased aggression or violence.

Coping with anger or frustration caused by your child’s behaviour isn’t easy. If you’re about to lose control, try to step away and take a few minutes to calm down. This can help you think of other ways to deal with the situation. After the moment has passed, reflect on what happened and what you can learn.

You can also ask others for help. Make a plan with a partner or family member who can support you when needed. Remember that it is a child’s right to be safe from harm, and a parent’s responsibility to ensure that this is the case.

Use your words carefully to avoid blaming or judging. Show that you are working with your child to find a solution.

Avoid accusing or generalising, because this can make your child feel defensive. Let your child know how you feel in a way that won’t make them feel attacked.

Focus on your feelings instead of their behaviour. For example:

• instead of: “you always pick on your sister”, try: “I feel sad for your sister when you criticise her”
• instead of: “you never come home on time”, try “I feel worried when you come home late”

Remember your common ground, for example, “we all want a happy family life”.

Listen to their feelings and let them know you value their input.

When people feel threatened, their bodies and brains have a physical response. This is the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. It can kick in even when the threat is mild.

For example, if your child is shouting at you, you might:

• shout back at them (fight)
• leave the room (flight)
• shut down and stop talking (freeze)
• agree to whatever they want (fawn)

Remember that your child could be having these physical responses, too.

Humans like to feel safe and connected. To connect, we often mirror the behaviour of others. If one person shouts, the other often does too. If we feel backed into a corner, we might lash out.

To help calm an argument, try to:

• keep your voice calm and low
• keep your body language open and relaxed.
• avoid standing between someone and the doorway
• show that you’re listening using non-verbal communication and active listening

Sometimes it can help to walk away from a situation and take some time to help your mind and body to calm down.

You could try these mindfulness activities.

Anger is often a secondary emotion that masks the emotion that we are feeling under the surface.

Underneath the anger, you or your child might be feeling lot of different feelings, like:

• sad, lonely, or hurt
• insecure or jealous
• tired or hungry
• embarrassed or guilty

Think about what triggered your anger, or your child’s anger. Identifying the emotions behind the anger can help you know what to do next.

Read our advice on understanding and managing your child’s behaviour.

Recognise when the conversation is not moving in the right direction. This can mean you won’t be able to find a solution at that time.

If you have been arguing a lot, it can be useful to agree a ‘pause word’ in advance. This can be a word that makes you smile or reminds you of a positive memory. This word will give everyone a break and time to think.

After an argument or stressful situation, it can take some time to change the mood.

To move beyond the situation:

• apologise if you need to
• think of a happy place
• watch a funny film
• lean on your support network

Page last reviewed: February 2026
Next review due: February 2029