How to stay calm when things get heated

It can sometimes be difficult to keep control of your emotions if you’re having a battle of wills with your child. Resolving things calmly teaches your child these skills.   

Things can sometimes get heated when your child is doing something that you don’t want them to. For example, they might be: 

• Doing something dangerous. 
• Causing problems for other people. 
• Ignoring what you’re asking them. 

This could be anything from a toddler who keeps drawing on the walls, to a young adult who’s involved in dangerous behaviour.  

It’s important to show your children how to stay calm during arguments. It makes it easier to resolve things, and they will learn these skills from you at the same time. 

Use your words carefully to avoid placing blame or judgement. Show that you are working with your child to find a solution. 

A​​void generalisations and accusations, because these can make people feel defensive. Let your child know how you feel in as way that won’t make them feel attacked. 

• Instead of ‘you always pick on your sister’ try ‘I feel sad for your sister when you criticise her’.  
• Instead of ‘you never come home on time’, try ‘I feel worried when you come home late’. 

Remember your common ground, for example, ‘we all want a happy family life’. 

Listen to their own feeling and let them know you value their input. 

When we feel threatened, our bodies and brains have a physical response. Our fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response kicks in. 

This can kick in even when the threat is mild. 

For example, if your child is shouting at you, you might:  

• Shout back at them (fight). 
• Leave the room (flight). 
• Shut down and stop talking (freeze). 
• Agree to whatever they want (fawn). 

Remember that your child could be having these physical responses, too. 

Humans like to feel safe and connected. To connect, we often mirror the behaviour of others. If one person shouts, the other often does too. If we feel backed into a corner, we might lash out. 

Try these tips to help calm an argument: 

• Keep your voice calm and low. 
• Keep your body language open and relaxed. 
• Don’t stand between someone and the doorway 
• Show that you’re listening using non-verbal communication and active listening. 

Sometimes in help to walk away from a situation and take some time to help your mind and body to calm down.  

You could try some of these techniques: 

• Take slow and deep breaths. Breathe in through your nose to a count of four and breathe out of your mouth for a count of eight. 
• Slowly sip a glass of water or make a cup of tea while focusing on each action you are doing. 
• Repeat a calming phrase in your head or think of a place that brings you peace. 
• Ground yourself by naming objects in the room. 
• Count back from 100 in sevens. 
• Take off your shoes and focus on the feeling of your bare feet on the floor. 
• Tense and then relax your muscles, starting at your feet and moving all the way to your forehead. 

Anger is often a secondary emotion that masks the emotion that we are feeling under the surface. 

Underneath the anger, you or your child might be feeling lot of different emotions, like:  

• Sad, lonely, or hurt.  
• Insecure or jealous  
• Tired or hungry. 
• Embarrassed or guilty.  

Think about what triggered your anger, or your child’s anger. Identifying the emotions behind the anger can help you know what to do next. 

Recognise when the conversation is not moving in the right direction. This can mean you won’t be able to find a solution at that time.  

If you have been arguing a lot, it can be useful to agree a ‘pause word’ in advance. This can be a word that makes you smile or reminds you of a positive memory. This word will give everyone a break and time to think. 

After an argument or stressful situation, it can take some time to change the mood.  

To move beyond the situation: 

• Think of a happy place. 
• Watch a funny film. 
• Lean on your support network. 
• Do something you enjoy. 

Mental health self care for parents 

Want more support? For advice on your specific issue, speak to one of our parenting coaches.