Supporting a child with a family member in prison 

It can be confusing and upsetting for a child if a parent, sibling or someone they are close to is arrested or sent to prison. As a parent or carer, you’ll want to support the child through this difficult time, but it can be hard to know what to do or say.  

If the child was there when their loved one was arrested, they might be feeling scared and confused. When children don’t understand something that has happened, they ‘fill in the gaps’ with their own stories, so it’s important to talk to them about what happened soon after. 

If the person is awaiting trial, you could talk to the child about what might happen and what the sentence could be. If you can prepare them and help them to understand, it will be less shocking if the person does have to go to prison. You could explain the different scenarios that might happen. 

Spurgens has a support guide for families that explains arrest, bail, remand, sentencing and prison. 

You might feel like you want to protect your child from the truth so that they don’t think badly of their family member and to spare them from hurt or embarrassment.  However, it’s important that they have some understanding of where the person is, what has happened and most importantly, that it’s not their fault. 

You could explain: 

• That the person is going or has gone to prison and it’s a place people go when a court decides they have broken a law. 
• What you can about the crime. You will need to judge for yourself how much to tell them. Think about what they can understand at their age and development stage and how it might make them feel, but don’t lie to them. It’s important they hear it from someone they trust rather than someone else. 
• That they haven’t done anything wrong. Explain that even though they won’t see them for a while, they may be able to have contact.  
• That they can talk to you and ask questions. You can explain that you are still making sense of it yourself and you might not have all the answers, but you are there for them.  

It’s understandable that you will have a lot of feelings and you will need someone you can talk to as well. Try to stay positive when talking to the child and try not to say anything bad about the person that will change the way they see them. There are lots of situations where this can be difficult and its ok to ask someone you trust outside of the family to help you have that conversation. Organisations like Children Heard and Seen can also support you with these conversations. 

This video from Prison Advice and Care Trust (PACT), helps younger children to understand what it means when someone breaks the law and goes to prison  Animation: A Journey into Prison. 

You can also download Locked Out: A book for children with a loved one in prison. 

The child might not want to talk about it straight away but be there to listen when they do. They might be feeling confused, sad, scared, angry, embarrassed or ashamed.  

If the child is missing their loved one, they may want to make contact with them. In the first few weeks that might not be possible but later on the child can write letters, have phone calls and visit if that’s what they want to do. Prisoners’ families helpline has advice on how to arrange a prison visit. Some prisons also have welcoming family workers who you can talk to when arriving for a visit with children.  It’s likely they will feel some anxiety before the visit, and they may feel disappointed after if it doesn’t go how they were expecting. 

It might take a while for your child to get used to the person not being around, you can read our advice to help your child cope with change. If you’re looking after a child who is not your own while their parent is in prison, the child will need to adjust to their new home. You can read our advice on How to support a child through kinship care. 

There are places you can get support if you’re struggling to cope. You can ask your GP for a referral to Early Help services or in most areas you can self-refer. You might also be entitled to benefits when your partner is in prison. 

To make sure your child is properly supported it’s important to tell the school and other people involved in your child’s care what is happening. Teachers can keep an eye out if other children are treating your child differently or if they are being bullied. Your child might find it particularly difficult if the case is getting media attention or if it affects their local community. 

If you need to take your child out of school for a prison visit, let the school know as this should be recorded as an authorised absence. You might also be able to get help with the cost of prison visits.  

These organisations support children and families of prisoners: 

• Prisoners’ Families Helpline helps families in England and Wales 
• Help, information, and support for families of prisoners  helps families in Scotland 
• Help for prisoners families – Spurgeons 
• Affect – Supporting Families and Friends of Prisoners