If your child doesn’t live with you all the time, there might be times when they don’t want to be with you on your arranged days. This is quite common, especially as children grow older and become teenagers.
You might worry that there is something wrong or that your child is becoming distant. Often though, it’s because children start to have their own lives and they want to spend time doing their own hobbies or seeing friends. Sometimes it’s easier for them to stay at the other parent’s home to do this.
As your child gets older, keep the conversations open with them and their other parent about agreed contact times. It might be time for a change that’s in line with your child’s lifestyle.
Be flexible where possible. If your contact arrangements are court ordered, you can change them if you and the other parent agree. Check the government advice on making child arrangements.
Allow your child to ask for a change of times and days when they see you and help them to feel comfortable doing this. If what they’re asking for isn’t possible, then explain why and work together to find alternative solutions.
Remember to listen to your child’s point of view. By making your child feel heard, this will help them build a secure relationship with you. It will also build their self-esteem and teach them about negotiation, compromise and being assertive.
Show your child how happy you are for them to be doing other activities. When a child knows their parents are OK with their choices, it allows them the emotional freedom to socialise, try new things and feel secure.
Contacting them between the times you see them will help to keep a strong bond and let them know you’re there. Read our advice on how you can have a good relationship with your child if you don’t live with them.
If your child wants to spend less time with you, you may find that you miss them and worry about losing touch with them. You might feel rejected and doubt whether they still want to be around you. These feelings are understandable but remember it’s rarely about you. It’s about their need to branch out, become more independent and try new things.
Reframing the way you think about the situation will help you to feel better about it. For example, you could try to think about the fun your child will have doing something they enjoy. Thinking of their happiness might give you happy feelings too.
You can find a helpful technique on the NHS website for reframing unhelpful thoughts.
If you think there is another reason your child doesn’t want to see you
Sometimes there are other reasons why children don’t want to spend time with their parent. Try to think if there is anything that might make them feel uncomfortable. Consider if :
Let your child know they can talk to you about anything that is on their mind. Read our advice on how to help your child share their worries with you.
This advice was written by our experienced Parent Talk coaches. Parent Talk is a free online service for parents and carers provided by the charity, Action for Children. You can talk to our parenting coaches online using our 1:1 chat.
