Losing a baby at any stage of pregnancy, during birth, or soon after birth is a very difficult experience. You may have some complicated thoughts and feelings.
It might affect how you feel when parenting any children you already had at the time of the loss or a child you’ve had since your loss. It’s important that you give yourself time and space for these emotions and to ask for support if you need it.
There is no right or wrong way to feel or grieve. If your loss has just happened, you could need time to process your feelings.
You might feel a mix of emotions, such as:
You may also feel you have lost a role as a parent or hopes you had for the future. If you have anxious feelings, this may include fears that something bad could happen to your other children or future children. You may feel anxiety when separated from them.
Allow yourself to experience your emotions. Some of your feelings may seem overwhelming at times and more manageable at other times. You might feel OK in one moment and overwhelmed and sad later in the same day. You may feel OK for long periods of time or all the time. There is no one way to feel so try not to judge yourself for feeling the way you do.
Talking with someone you trust about how you’re feeling may help. It can also help to speak to a GP or a mental health service. You can ask for support from friends, family and specialist services such as counselling. The charity Sands has a helpline for families affected by the death of a baby before, during or shortly after birth.
The pregnancy and baby charity Tommy’s offers helplines and Facebook support groups.
The Miscarriage Association runs a forum for those who have experienced miscarriage. You may also find it helpful to read about the experiences of other parents and carers.
Expecting a new baby after a loss may prompt mixed feelings. You might feel anxious throughout the pregnancy or find it hard to bond with your baby. This could be because of feelings like anxiety, guilt, or fear of losing another child.
It could help to speak to a health visitor if you’re struggling to bond with your baby. Being aware that you are finding bonding difficult is the first step to being able to get support. NHS Start for Life has some advice on building a close relationship with your baby.
We also have advice on looking after your mental health with a new baby.
You may find parenting another child or children hard after the loss of a baby. This can be true whether the loss is recent or some time ago. Ask for support from family and friends where you can.
It can help to:
It’s OK to show difficult feelings or grief to your other children. If it feels right to share your emotions, this will help your children understand how to express themselves and manage difficult emotions too. If you can, describe your emotions. This can help your child or children make sense of sadness or anger, for example.
Let them know that what you’re feeling doesn’t change how much you love them. It’s usually better for a child to understand rather than wonder what is happening, because they might create their own story about what’s happening.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, you might find it helpful for someone to look after your child so you can talk to someone freely about how you’re feeling. Seek professional help from your GP or a grief counsellor if your feelings are regularly impacting your parenting or day to day life.
Read more about what to do and where to get support if you’re struggling to cope as a parent. You can also speak to a parenting coach on our web chat or WhatsApp service.
When the time feels right, you might want to talk to your child or children about the baby you lost. Even if the loss was before they were born, you could:
It’s OK if you don’t have the answers to every question and to be honest about this.
You might want to do something to remember the baby you lost. If you have photos or an object that reminds you of your baby, you could share this with your family. Tommy’s has ideas for remembering a baby after miscarriage. It’s also OK if you prefer not to do this.
Different children will have different awareness of death and grief, and will respond in different ways. Some may appear unaffected at first but can become upset or angry later. They may express their feelings in behaviour rather than words.
Let them know it’s OK to feel angry or upset. Make sure they know they can talk to you whenever they want.
The Winston’s Wish helpline offers support for grieving children, young people and adults supporting them.
This advice was written by our experienced Parent Talk coaches. Parent Talk is a free online service for parents and carers, provided by the charity Action for Children. For more advice, message our parenting coaches with our online chat.
