How to have a good relationship with your child when you don’t live with them

Some parents don’t live with their children all the time. Sometimes parents separate and no longer live together or a parent might have to spend long periods away from home for work.

You might have your child spend part of the week with you or see them at weekends and holidays. Whatever your arrangement, it can be hard if you don’t live with your child all the time and you might feel that you are not as close to them as you would like to be. Keeping in regular contact and making the most of your time together can help build a good relationship.

Having contact with your children between seeing them helps to keep a strong relationship. It’s important that they know they can speak to you whenever they want.

Depending on the age of the child, you might have regular video calls or phone calls or send text messages. In some circumstances this is not possible, but you may be able to send letters and photographs by post or email via their other parent or carer.

Children feel more settled when they know what to expect. Try to create a regular routine of when you will see them. But be willing to be flexible if your child needs to change the plan.

You don’t need to plan big days out every time you see your child. But make sure you focus your attention on your child when you are with them.

Ask your child what they’d like to do next time they see you. This way you both know what to expect and have something to look forward to.

If you haven’t seen your child for a while or they have something on their mind, they might take some time to warm up and get used to you again.

Older children and teenagers often like to spend time alone. This can be difficult when you’ve been looking forward to seeing them but allow them to have some time to themselves.

Let them have their own space in your home, allow them to keep some of their things there. Make sure they feel comfortable asking for things.

Make them feel welcome. If you have a partner, other children or stepchildren, make your child feel like they’re an equally important part of your family.

It is normal to miss your children when you’re not with them. Remember that it takes time to adjust to change.

If this is a new situation or you have recently separated from your child’s other parent, you might need help with coping with not seeing your children after separation.

Start to do new things for yourself like starting a new hobby, learning a new skill or meeting with friends. Doing things that make you feel happy will help you to feel more positive overall. Read our self-care ideas for parents.

Talk to trusted friends or family members about how you feel or consider talking therapy with a professional therapist. You can also talk to one of our parenting coaches.