It can be difficult if you disagree with your child’s other parent, especially when it comes to discipline and setting rules. Many parents have different ideas about how to parent their children, whether they are together or separated.
If you can learn to work together, this sets a good example for children and a consistent approach will help them feel secure.
How you want to parent is often influenced by how your parents or carers raised you. So it’s likely you will both have different experiences and think different things are important.
It can be helpful to think about what is most important to you and why. Think about what you did or didn’t like about your own upbringing and what you might want to do differently.
It’s never too early to start thinking and talking about parenting styles – you might even think about it before having children. You might find that your own or your partner’s parenting style is different from what you imagined.
Be prepared to adapt your parenting style to your child’s needs. Every child is different and what works for one child might not work for their sibling, especially if your child has additional needs. You will often find that you need to change your approach as your child grows older.
If you don’t like the other parent’s approach, it’s important to have a calm conversation about it. Always talk away from your child and never in the heat of the moment.
Be kind and consider the other parent’s point of view. Try not to blame, accuse or make them feel guilty.
You could start sentences with:
Talk about it from the child’s point of view. Talk about what is best for them instead of your actions or choices as parents.
Ask for feedback from your child’s other parent about how you respond to situations. This will encourage the feeling that it’s safe to be honest with each other and work together to improve things the next time.
If the other parent raises something with you about your style, try to be open to hearing it. You might feel defensive or want to find fault with your partner to deflect the issue. Instead talk about different ways you could handle things next time.
Remember to praise each other as well. If there’s been a tricky situation that you notice your partner has handled well, tell them, and thank them. Celebrate when you’ve done something well together.
As long as you are consistent with important things such as safety, children can cope with slight differences in parenting styles. They will know that one parent does it one way and the other parent does it another way.
For example, if you sometimes let your child stay up later than their other parent does this shouldn’t be a problem, as long as your child is not confused by change. Don’t ask your child not to tell their other parent because this can create a feeling of division and secrecy.
Try not to undermine your child’s other parent in front of your child. This could be by correcting something the other parent says or does or it could be a look or a shake of the head. Instead have a calm and open conversation away from the child.
If you think the other parent might be putting your child at risk, read our advice on what to do if you’re worried your child isn’t safe with their other parent.
This advice was written by our experienced Parent Talk coaches. Parent Talk is a free online service for parents and carers, provided by the charity Action for Children. For more advice, message our parenting coaches with our online chat.
