Child contact arrangements with a co-parent
When you don’t live with your child’s other parent, you’ll need to decide together how much time your child will spend with each of you. You might have recently split from an ex-partner, or you might not have been in a relationship with your co-parent. Either way, try to find an arrangement that is best for your child.
Sometimes this process can feel hard, but it’s a good idea to agree on how you’ll manage childcare between you as soon as you can. You only need to get a court involved if you can’t reach an agreement or you have concerns.
Deciding what’s best for your child
If you have parental responsibility, you are responsible for making sure your child is well cared for. Even if you don’t live with them, you have a right to be involved in decisions about where they live and how they’re looked after.
You and your co-parent will need to decide between you what is best for your child and for you both. Think about what feels important to you and what your child might want. If your child is old enough, you can talk to them about what they would like, but don’t make them make a choice.
If your child spends time with both of you, they will have two places they call home. They might spend equal time in both homes or spend more time in one.
If you don’t have a permanent home or need support to see your child, you might have an arrangement where you see your child:
- in a public place like a park
- at a relative’s or friend’s home
- at the other parent’s home
- at a contact centre
This is sometimes called supervised contact.
Sometimes one parent doesn’t have any contact at all. This might be their own choice or not.
Find out what to do if you’re worried your child isn’t safe with their other parent.
If you are able to talk to your child’s other parent, it can help to start a calm conversation between you. This may not be possible if your ex is abusive or controlling.
Prepare a list in advance of all the things you need to discuss. Try to speak in a neutral place away from the children. Agree to put their needs first in any agreements you make.
When you have the conversation, it can help to:
- start with the issues you both already agree on and go through them one at a time
- be open and honest about how you feel
- explain why you think the arrangement you’re suggesting is right for your family
- try to see things from the other parent’s point of view and acknowledge their feelings even if you don’t agree with them
- listen to them and let them know you’ve heard and understood them
- take a break or agree to come back to the discussion another time if it gets too emotional or heated
- remember that children have a right to see and have a relationship with both parents, where it is safe for them to do so
If you’ve recently separated or are changing your child arrangements, talk to your child about what is going to change.
If you and your ex can’t agree, try to keep your child outside your conflict as much as possible. Even if things become very difficult with your co-parent, don’t speak badly about them to or around your child. Always reassure your child that you love them. Tell them that the end of your relationship is not their fault.
Ask your child about their feelings. If they don’t want to talk straight away, let them know you will be there when they’re ready to speak to you.
It might help to:
Try to be open to what they say to you. They might be worried about spending time with their other parent, or there might be times when your child doesn’t want to see you.
Making a contact arrangement
You might be able to come to an agreement with your child’s other parent without outside help. This can be a verbal agreement, but it can help to write it down. If you include contact arrangements in a written agreement, you will have a record of what you’ve both decided.
You can include contact arrangements as part of a parenting plan.
A parenting plan is a written agreement between co-parents. It will cover things like:
- how important decisions will be made
- how you will communicate and deal with disagreements
- your child’s living arrangements
- rules for the child in both their homes
- agreements about money
- how you will be involved in your child’s health and education
Completing a parenting plan together can help you to consider all your child’s needs and make both parents feel sure about the agreement.
You can write your own plan or use an online or printed parenting plan template from Cafcass.
If you can’t reach a decision by talking, mediation can help you to reach an agreement.
A professional will support you. They don’t offer legal advice or counselling but can help to make sure both of your voices are heard.
Some services offer shuttle mediation. This means you and the co-parent are not in the same room together.
Mediation may not be the right option if you have experienced domestic abuse. In that case, you should get legal advice or support to stay safe first. Contact Women’s Aid or ManKind for help.
If you want to make the agreement legally binding, you can ask a solicitor to draft a consent order.
Many solicitors offer 30 minutes for free. You can also speak to:
You may also be entitled to support with the cost of legal support and going to court with legal aid.
You only need to go to court if you can’t agree after mediation, or in some cases if there is domestic violence or abuse.
If you decide to go to court to ask for help with making child arrangements, you might choose to get help from a solicitor for this.
First you will need to apply for a court order. There is a charge for this, but if you qualify for legal aid, you can get help with the costs.
The court will then arrange a hearing, so that they understand what you do and don’t agree on. They will usually involve Cafcass, who will give advice on what they feel is best for the child.
Usually, the court will order you both to attend a parenting course called Planning Together for Children. This course is to help you understand the benefits of positive co-parenting for your child.
Depending on the situation you are asking the court to make a decision on, you might get a:
- Child Arrangements order, to decide where your child lives and who they spend time with
- Specific Issue order, to decide on issues other than contact arrangements, like their education or medical care
- Prohibited Steps order, which stops a parent from doing certain things like taking the child out of school or moving them to another country
The Cafcass website has more information about how it advises what is best for your child and what the court might order.
If a parent doesn’t stick to the terms of their court order, there can be consequences. Child law advice has information about the laws around child arrangement orders.
If your arrangement isn’t working
If you’ve made a child arrangement, whether that is verbal, written or court ordered, you should both try to stick to it as much as possible. It can be upsetting and frustrating for you and your child if your child’s other parent won’t stick to the arrangement.
Your ex-partner or co-parent might:
- stop you from contacting your child
- make changes to arrangements at the last minute
- regularly expect you to look after your child outside of times you’ve agreed
- refuse to look after your child at a time you’ve agreed
- fail to pick your child up from you at the arranged time
Missing your child when you don’t see them can feel devastating. You can read our advice for coping with not seeing your child.
It can feel difficult to communicate with your child’s other parent when your contact arrangement has broken down.
If possible, try to speak to them about what isn’t working and what you or they would like to change. Try to:
- calmly explain your point of view and the impact it is having on your child and you
- use ‘I’ statements instead of ‘you’, such as “I felt upset when…” instead of “you made it difficult for me”
- put your child’s wants and needs before both of yours
- listen to their side of the story without interrupting and show that you’ve understood
- reach an agreement about what happens next
- show that you are willing to compromise by using phrases like “how about we…?”
- thank them for communicating with you and talk about how the conversation went
It can help to keep a record of what you agree by communicating through a co-parenting app. These keep all communication in one place and some monitor the tone for aggressive or threatening language. There is usually a charge for these apps, but there are some that offer discounted or free use for families who can’t afford to pay, like OurFamilyWizard.
It might not be possible to talk to your child’s other parent if you think they are using contact arrangements to control you.
Sometimes your situation changes and the plan you made no longer works for you. If you’ve written a parenting plan, update it to your new arrangement.
If you want to change to a court ordered arrangement, you can go back to court and ask them to agree to or decide on a new arrangement.
If you have a court order and your co-parent isn’t sticking to it, first try talking to them about it. If talking isn’t possible or doesn’t work, you might try:
- resolving the issue through mediation
- asking the court to enforce the contact order
If your child’s other parent isn’t allowing you to have your agreed contact with your child, a court they could be found in contempt of court. This could lead to penalties such as fines or community service.
A court wouldn’t force a parent to have contact with a child when they don’t want to as this wouldn’t be considered best for the child.
Cafcass has more information about what a court can decide about a court order that has been broken.
Support for you and your child
When there are disagreements about contact arrangements, it can have an impact on you and your child.
You can read our advice on how to have a good relationship with your child when separated.
If your situation is affecting you, you could talk to:
- your GP or a counsellor
- a friend, family member or someone else that you trust
Samaritans
Free talking service open any time day or night
Phone 116 123. To speak in Welsh, phone 0808 164 0123.
Send an email about how you’re feeling to jo@samaritans.org. Replies to email can take several days.
Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) talking service
Evening helpline open 5pm to midnight
phone 0800 585858
Send a message on WhatsApp or web chat on the CALM website
SHOUT
Mental health service open any time day or night
Text ‘Shout’ to 85258
Your child may want to talk to someone outside the family about how they feel.
ChildLine
Help and support for children and young people aged 18 and under.
phone 0800 1111 any time day or night.
Sidekick
Support for young people aged 13 to 18 and up to 25 for young people with special educational needs.
Text 07888 868 059
Send an email to help@sidekick.actionforchildren.org.uk
Monday to Friday opening hours on Sidekick website
The Mix
Advice and support for children and young people under 25.
Text THEMIX to 85258 for crisis support any time day or night.
Sign up for counselling, or talk to a chatbot on The Mix website.
