Dealing with violent behaviour from your child or teenager

It can be hard to know what to do if your child is being violent, and you may feel scared. Violence can take the form of kicking, hitting, throwing things or using objects to lash out.

If your child is at risk of hurting you or anyone else, first make sure that you and your family are safe. If you think anyone is in immediate danger of harm, call 999.

If you have a young child, you can read our advice on hitting or biting.

Make a plan to keep you and others safe in the moment when your child is being violent. Think about how you might:

• keep yourself safe when you’re physically close to your child
• reduce risk of harm to other adults or children
• get to a safe place, if you need to
• remove any dangerous or valuable objects from the room
• get extra support

If your child or teenager is physically violent, you can try stepping away until they have calmed down. But this depends on your child. You may need to stay with them for their safety or the safety of others.

Try to avoid physical contact with your child while they are being violent, unless you have no other option. This is to reduce the risk of injury to you or your child.

Some children or teenagers may not like being told what to do, so think about the language you use. Try asking if there’s something they need. This may be more effective than telling them to stop.

In some cases, your child may not realise their behaviour is unacceptable. It may help to offer them a choice of what happens next to give them a chance to calm down. For example, “If you carry on doing this someone might get hurt, or you could tell me what’s upsetting you and how I can help you.” This gives them some control and time to process what’s happening. If the behaviour continues, follow up with a warning, and then act on it.

You may also need to call someone else to help calm your child. This could be:

• a friend, relative or neighbour who can help you resolve conflict
• the police on 101 (it probably won’t be treated as an emergency and they may be able to help mediate)
• the National Domestic Violence helpline for women, run by Refuge (0808 2000 247)
• the Men’s Advice Line for domestic abuse, run by Respect (0808 8010 327)

Capa First Response has information on what happens if you call the police.

Violent behaviour can be caused by many things. It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong as a parent. Your child’s behaviour may be a result of:

• overwhelm due to difficult feelings
• difficulty expressing emotions
• changes in their life
• a bad experience
• a desire for control

You and your child may need some support to work through what has happened. You could start by trying to talk to your child and understand their emotions, but also make it clear that violence isn’t acceptable.

Some children or teenagers will want you to hold them afterwards. Others may not want to talk about their feelings or have physical contact. You can respect their wishes, and instead ask them what you could do in the future to support them when they feel angry or overwhelmed.

If your child’s violence is a repeated behaviour and is putting you or others at risk, consider writing a safety plan and keeping it with you. This might include numbers to call in an emergency or people who could support you. Capa First Response can offer some guidance on creating an action plan so that everyone feels safe at home.

It may take some time to change your child’s behaviour, but this doesn’t mean your actions aren’t making a difference.

Over time, notice what triggers your child’s violent behaviour. One way to spot patterns is to start a behaviour diary. You can also look for ways to set clear expectations around behaviour by setting some house rules. Involve your child in creating these rules so they have some control.

If you can, look for ways to help your child reflect on their emotions and how to manage them. This could involve:

• discussing how you both respond under pressure and making a plan together for resolving conflict in the future
• using books, TV or films to talk about anger and violence with your child
• sharing what makes you angry or frustrated and how you manage your feelings in those moments
• asking what could help them calm down if they start losing control

Think about what support your family needs. Speak to any other parents or carers involved in the violent episode and decide how you will respond in the future. Talk to the school so the staff can support your child. You can also ask a friend or family member if you can call them for help if your child is violent again.

You can get support from:

• NHS urgent mental health helplines
• your GP, who may be able to refer your child for support
• Capa First Response, for making an action plan
• Pegs, where parents and carers can self-refer for help with child-to-adult violence
• the National Domestic Abuse helpline for women (call 0808 2000 247 visit the Refuge website)
• the Men’s Advice Line (call 0808 8010 327 or visit the Respect website)
• a therapist or counsellor
• parenting classes for advice and reassurance through your local children’s centre
• the NHS Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAMHS or CYPMHS)