Setting rules and boundaries with your child

Rules are an important part of family life. Children need boundaries to keep them safe and to help them understand what’s expected of them. Your child will encounter rules throughout their life in school, work and society, so having rules at home teaches them important life skills.

Working with your child to set and review rules can help them to understand why they’re important.

You might make rules about:

• how you treat each other – like playing gently and being kind
• staying safe – like coming home at an agreed time
• personal care – like washing hands before eating
• how you treat your home and belongings – like tidying up after playing
• your daily routine – like helping clear the dishes after dinner

When you set rules for your child, think about what’s important to you and why. The rules you choose might be influenced by:

• your culture and values
• the rules you grew up with
• your co-parent’s thoughts and feelings
• how your child responds to rules

The rules you choose should be what’s best for you and your family. Many parents feel pressure to do things the way other parents do. You might fear being judged or criticised by others if you have different rules in your house. Remember, you know your child best and you know what works for them.

Your rules should benefit you too. Having clear boundaries at home should help your wellbeing and reduce stress.

It’s never too early to start introducing rules and boundaries. For toddlers, rules will mostly be about:

• safety, like holding hands near roads or not touching the hot oven
• expected behaviour, like putting away toys after playing with them

Make sure you are clear with your child about what the rule is and why. Try to teach them behaviours that will be expected as they move through nursery and school. Things like being kind and saying please and thank you.

As your child grows older, the types of rules you have and the way you set them should change.

While young children need clear rules to understand, older children and teenagers might need more flexibility in the rules you set. It’s natural for your child to experiment with pushing boundaries as they grow older. If the rules are too ‘black and white’, older children are more likely to resist them. You might find your child becomes more confrontational when pushing boundaries, or they might seem more withdrawn.

Learn more about teenage behaviour.

Instead of setting rules ‘for’ your older child, you can try setting them ‘with’ them. Allow them some freedom to make their own choice and learn from their mistakes.

Talk about the reason behind the rule such as keeping them safe or treating people fairly. Allow discussion and compromise so that your child feels they have a part of decision making.

If your child continues to live with you into adulthood, rules and boundaries will change again. You will need to come to agreements, adult to adult. The things you need to agree about might include financial responsibilities like paying rent and household responsibilities like cooking and cleaning.

Independence and privacy are likely to be important to your adult child. Talk to them about what that means to you and them and try to find compromises if you have different views.

When you have rules in your family, you should all try to keep to them where possible. Explain to your child the consequences of breaking rules and be prepared to follow through on any consequences you have set.

There are:

• natural consequences – If your child says unkind things to their friend, the friend might not want to play with them anymore
• logical consequences – if your child is home later than an agreed time, they won’t be allowed out that late again

Our behaviour guide has advice on using consequences and explanations.

It’s not always possible to keep to the rules and you should expect some flexibility. For example, if you are away, it might not always be possible to do things in the way you would at home. This is fine, as long as you clearly explain to your child why you are doing things differently this time.

If a rule isn’t working anymore, you might need to change it. Especially as your child grows older and situations change. Make sure your child knows what has changed and why. If you can, include your child in updating the rule. Talk about why it’s not right anymore and what you might change.

You know your child best, so you will know how they will respond to rules. Some children benefit from clear expectations while others can find demands challenging. You may need to adjust your approach to rules, particularly if your child is neurodivergent.

Some autistic or ADHD children benefit from routine and predictable expectations because it reduces anxiety. However, your child might find set rules restrictive if they have Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) traits. For some children, phrasing instructions as requests and offering limited choices work better.

Learn more about:

• supporting a child with PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance)
• support for your autistic child
• supporting a child with ADHD

It’s best if you and your child’s other parents can agree on rules. This can be especially difficult if you don’t live together. While there might be some things your child does differently in different houses, it’s important to agree on things like safety.

Read our advice on dealing with disagreements about parenting styles.

Some families like to have their rules written down. If this feels right for you, you can sit together and write your rules. You might like to sign an agreement or write your rules on a board or a big piece of paper and put it up on the wall.

Written rules aren’t for everyone though. Having written rules can make some children and parents feel an added pressure or like they’re setting themselves up to fail.

Instead, you might focus on explaining expectations naturally, rather than having formal rules. You can also focus on positive reinforcement, you can create a family kindness chart, or for younger children you might try a reward chart.

Page last reviewed: April 2026
Next review due: April 2029