It can be hard to know what to do if your child is being violent, and you may feel scared. Violence can take the form of kicking, hitting, throwing things or using objects to lash out.
If your child is at risk of hurting you or anyone else, first make sure that you and your family are safe. If you think anyone is in immediate danger of harm, call 999.
If you have a young child, you can read our advice on hitting or biting.
Make a plan to keep you and others safe in the moment when your child is being violent. Think about how you might:
If your child or teenager is lashing out, you can try stepping away until they have calmed down. But this depends on your child – you may need to stay with them for their safety or the safety of others.
Try to avoid physical contact with your child while they are being violent, unless you have no other option. This is to reduce the risk of injury to you or your child.
Some children or teenagers may not like being told what to do, so think about the language you use. Try asking if there’s something they need – this may have more impact than telling them to stop.
In some cases, your child may not realise their behaviour is unacceptable. It may help to offer them a choice of what happens next to give them a chance to calm down. For example, “If you carry on doing this someone might get hurt, or you could tell me what’s upsetting you and how I can help you.” This gives them some control and time to process what’s happening. If the behaviour continues, follow up with a warning, and then act on it.
You may also need to call someone else to help calm your child. This could be:
Capa First Response has information on what happens if you call the police.
Violent behaviour can be caused by many things. It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong as a parent. Your child’s behaviour may be a result of:
You and your child may need some support to work through what has happened. You could start by trying to talk to your child and understand their emotions, but also make it clear that violence isn’t acceptable.
Some children or teenagers will want you to hold them afterwards. Others may not want to talk about their feelings or have physical contact. You can respect their wishes, and instead ask them what you could do in the future to support them when they feel angry or overwhelmed.
If your child’s violence is a repeated behaviour and is putting you or others at risk, consider writing a safety plan and keeping it with you. This might include numbers to call in an emergency or people who could support you. Capa First Response can offer some guidance on creating an action plan.
It may take some time to change your child’s behaviour, but this doesn’t mean your actions aren’t making a difference.
Over time, notice what triggers your child’s violent behaviour. One way to spot patterns is to start a behaviour diary. You can also look for ways to set clear expectations around behaviour by putting some house rules in place. Involve your child in creating these rules so they have some control.
If you can, look for ways to help your child reflect on their emotions and how to manage them. This could involve:
Think about what support your family needs. Speak to any other parents or carers involved in the violent episode and decide how you will respond in the future. Talk to the school so the staff can support your child. You can also ask a friend or family member if you can call them for help if your child is violent again.
You can get support from:
This advice was written by our experienced Parent Talk coaches. Parent Talk is a free online service for parents and carers, provided by the charity Action for Children. For more advice, message our parenting coaches with our online chat.
